Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Stan

Wait, we can't just lie to people.

Why not?

Stan

'Cause then we're just douchebags, dude. C'mon let's get hardcore!

You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter at 'em!

Stan

Admit you just want to be on TV.

Kenny

I just want to be on TV.

Cartman

[whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.

Stan

Dolphins and whales were framed by the real bombers. A chicken and a cow.

[upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers] Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW?!

CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?! THIS IS OUTRAGE!

The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals. And so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere, whether you mean it differently or not. The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world.

She's gaining support all over the country. I should've never listened to you!

Kyle

We're sorry, Mayor.

Oh, that's nice. You made our entire town look like gay bashing, redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!

Stan

We can fix this!

How?

Stan

That lady said it's because "fag" still means "homosexual" in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.

Stan

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Cartman

A book signing.

Stan

I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!

Cartman

I do not directly say she's a slut!

Stan

[reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"

Cartman

[leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.

Stan

[reading] "Or does she?"

Cartman

"Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!

Butters

[showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!

[reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"

Stan

Hey-hey, stop reading that!

Well, what do you mean?

Stan

Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!

Yes, it does!

Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

Stan

[about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?

I really don't care, Stan.

Stan

Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.

I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

Kyle

Will somebody get me to a hospital, I need to get my stomach pumped!

Stan

Oh come on, it was just a little pee, Kyle.

Kyle

GODDAMN IT, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee...is bananas!

Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.

Cartman

Aw, a book? God, I hate those.

Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Cartman

Oh, really? Sweet.

It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...

Stan

[excited] All right!

And strong vulgar language...

Kenny

[muffled] Awesome, dude!

And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

Cartman

[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!

Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...

Cartman

No, no, come on let's read it now!

Kyle

Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?

[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook

Cartman

Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?

[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!

Stan

[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!

Cartman

So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!

Stan

[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!

Kyle

Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!

Cartman

And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!

Stan

Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.

Cartman

Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Butters

Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?

Kyle

Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!

Butters

[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.

Stan

Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.

Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.

[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.

Butters

[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.

Cartman

Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.

Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!

Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!

Stan

[frustrated] God damn it!

Kyle

Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!

Butters

[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]

Cartman

[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!

[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!

Cartman

Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.

Butters

I know.

Stan

They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!

Butters

[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!

Kyle

Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.

Stan

Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.

Butters

Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.

Cartman

That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.

Butters

What?

Cartman

[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.

Butters

[shocked] What?! Oh no!

Cartman

Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]

Butters

Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]

Butters

Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?

Stan

Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!

What did you call me?

Eric Cartman

Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]

Butters

How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!

Stan

Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]

Stan

Then why are you packing fudge?

I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]

Stan

Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.

Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!

Stan

For what?!

You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!

[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?

[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]

Stan

But dude--

No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]

Stan

Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.

What did you say?!

Kyle

Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.

I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.

[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!

[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]

Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!

Kyle

That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.