“Dances with Smurfs” quotes from South Park

[reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marinara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-- [is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on? [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]

I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!

Who are you?

I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!

Hey! He's got a gun!

You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?

Sir, please, I don't know you.

Yeah, right!

[intervening] All right, what the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. [the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom]

[shouts] Oh God, he shot him!

You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!

[shouts in terror] Sir, I truly don't know-- [the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more]

There! How's it feel, huh?

[shouting hysterically] Please! I don't know you!

You're Gordon Saltski, right? Truck driver from Chicago?

No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!

Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements.

[shouting] SOMEBODY HELP ME!

I said do it! [hits Gordon]

Now where was I? Oh, yeah. [continues reading] Any interested students should fill out an applicant survey-- [more hitting and shouting]

I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!

[softly] No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so scared!

Do it!

[freakout] Please! I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice is now muffled, indicating the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon is heard falling to the floor, dead]

Look at you now. We're all dead. [commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is in shock]

Stan

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Cartman

A book signing.

Stan

I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!

Cartman

I do not directly say she's a slut!

Stan

[reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"

Cartman

[leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.

Stan

[reading] "Or does she?"

Cartman

"Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!

Butters

[showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!

[reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"

Stan

Hey-hey, stop reading that!

Well, what do you mean?

Stan

Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!

Yes, it does!

Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

Cartman

Who are you?

My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. Ever since I can remember, people have told me I should read the morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am. And hopefully, I'll be the kid worth the job.

Stan

[about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?

I really don't care, Stan.

Stan

Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.

I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller, and these are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second grade student Brian Felner. Brian writes "Dear Casey, Why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far, Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy." Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.

Cartman

I'm doing the best that I can!! [leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]