[Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can feeling sad]
StanLook, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that semen on your back.
I just... can't do it anymore. I wanna go away! But there's nowhere on Earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
Stan
We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!
You... really? Somewhere where I can just, live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh please, can you show me where?
Stan
We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
What the hell are you guys doing?
Stan
Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!
I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!
Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?
Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!
No way, dude! I'm NOT one of them, okay?! I'm not going to tell you my secret!
[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]
What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, REALLY can't die!
Stan
(laughing) What?
Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
HKHuman Kite
When was that?
All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER remember!
Stan
I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Stan
Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
MBMint Berry Crunch
No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
(disappointed) I knew there is no point in telling you guys.
HKHuman Kite
OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
(furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot? Decapitated? Torn apart? Burned? Run over?!!
Stan
Kenny, Kenny, calm down!
It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)
Randy, you've been watching that channel again, haven't you?!
Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows, you stay up all night trying to copy what they made!
Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [puts on his coat] You think you'd be grateful, Sharon. I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up.
Stan
Can I have a Pop-Tart?
[Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the iTunes us agreement on the monitor. Gerald, Kenny and Stan are there too.]
"You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."
Can somebody please explain to me what is going on? [Butters Scrolls down]
Stan
We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to. [Butters Scrolls down again]
There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.
Oh Nope. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user." [Gerald becomes worried]
Stan
Oh Boi
"Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click on... "Decline".
[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]
Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!
Stan
We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!
OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Stan
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!
You get in trouble again, Cartman?
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Stan
Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Stan
Yeah.
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!
Stan
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
That doesn't make any sense.
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
Stan
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
CCassie
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
Stan
[While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]
Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
Stan
[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!
Stan
But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!
Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan
You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan
[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?
See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Everything alright here, Kyle?
We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.
Stan
Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan
[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]
[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]
Stan
Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck?!
Stan
How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?
Stan
Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?
Stan
That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.
You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!
Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here! [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]
“Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”
Stan
“What?”
“Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”
"Dude, shut your fucking mouth."
Stan
This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!
If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put on the internet for free?! [short pause] Well?
Stan
What, what was the question again?
[slowly speaking] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the internet for free?
[Outside Backcountry Adventures]
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
G1Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
Stan
...Shuttle?
How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about forty-five minutes.
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
[The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.]
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
Stan
Uh that's okay.
M3Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
G1Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Stan
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
