[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
StanIt's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
Stan
And then Token. And then me.
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
You're last, dude! [laughs]
Stan
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
JJenny
[Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.
[surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!
JJenny
I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
LLola
Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
LLola
[takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]
[angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!
JJenny
Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]
LLola
She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!
Stan
[confused] What's going on?
When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--
JJenny
You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
LLola
Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
[coldly] I don't think so. [kicks Lola in the crotch, making her drop the list] Stan, run!
Stan
Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]
[Stan and Wendy show up at the school before Kyle threatens to burn it down to the ground]
Stan
The list was a forgery, Kyle!
[surprised and confused] Huh?
Stan
It didn't sparkle with all the girls! We have the real list!
[appearing out of nowhere and aims her gun at Wendy while carrying a shoe bag] That's about fair enough! Give me that list, Wendy!
Stan
It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
Kyle was simply a casualty. To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number 12, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up.
Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.
Stan
Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?
[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]
Stan
Did Elton John sing a song for you?
No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
(manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL, ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!
I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Stan
What did he do?
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
M2Man #2
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
PPolice Officer
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
We, uh, we have special permission.
Stan
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!
[Next morning… Stan gets out of bed after his alarm clock goes off, but as he gets on his computer, he finds out he's not connected to the Internet]
Stan
What the hell?
[entering] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!
Stan
What?
My Internet's not working, I gotta use yours. And give Daddy some private time, will ya?
Stan
My Internet's not working either.
[entering with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!
I have to get online with my darling, Amir, before school starts!
[walking up] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!
I have to get online before school.
Stan
What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.
[The Marshes and the Broflovskis exit the house and head to Gerald's car]
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!
Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!
Stan
Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]
Stan
Yeah, I think I get it.
(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)
Randy (wary): What was that?
Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)
Randy (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?
Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)
Randy (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)
Randy (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!
Stan
Stop it, Mom!
Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queef can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)
Randy (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!!!
(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)
No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)
Stan
We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.
You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.
Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
Stan
You tell 'em, Cartman!
They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!
Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?
Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]
[Wendy looks at Butters]
Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?
[annoyed] Leave me alone!
Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
Stan
[annoyed] Butters, dude!
Stan
You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!
Stan
Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!
[turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]
[turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.
Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.
Butters, Butters do you have a problem?
All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!
Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
