Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!
'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.
[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]
HHHamburger Helper
Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?
HHHamburger Helper
Okay, then let's...
[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]
CHCheeseburger Helper
Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!
CHCheeseburger Helper
You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?
What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.
CHCheeseburger Helper
[shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!
HHHamburger Helper
[to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.
Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.
HHHamburger Helper
I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.
Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.
CHCheeseburger Helper
[skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!
[to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.
[Peter has amnesia]
Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.
Never seen you before in my life.
Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!
Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
That's your sense of humor?!
Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?
I was just trying to be funny.
That wasn't funny, that was just dark.
Yeah, that's your father!
[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!
[Seeing Meg's new appearance]
Meg! You look so different!
First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-
[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]
My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?
[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]
For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!
There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]
Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.
[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]
WWoman
I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]
MMan
I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]
MSMale Student
We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
[Lois enters Meg's room]
Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.
[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]
I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.
That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!
Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?
I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips.
[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket] Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?
Yeah, and I think I might need some right now!
[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]
Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden!
Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.
That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.
[cut to the park ranger at the forest]
PRPark Ranger
We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.
[Joe and three other cops in the background]
All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.
EEllen
Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?
EEllen
That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.
Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!
Look, I understand that you're upset.
You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?
I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!
Well, when you're ready to talk...
Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.
[cut to Hitler with a publisher]
PPublisher
Well, we read it and we don't like it...
[both laugh]
HHitler
You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!
[The executives want to cast James Woods in Brian's pilot]
James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old
FEFemale Executive
I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?
FEFemale Executive
...n't.
My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.
TTodd
It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.
JJames
You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.
So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?
That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.
No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.
[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]
When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.
