Jesus quotes from Family Guy

Peter

You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?

Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.

Peter

Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.

Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

The Last Mimzy.

I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

[impatiently] The Last Mimzy.

You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.

No!

You have confirmed 300.

Damn it, Stewie! What the hell did you do?!

Stewie

I know, I know, I messed up.

[Mocks] "I messed up!" [Normal voice] You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians. And now they're running everything!

Stewie

I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Well, it's not a good trait.

Stewie

Oh, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.

Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying "never alter the past".

Stewie

Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.

All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Stewie

Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas. All you had was a salad.

Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.

Peter

What lesson?

Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.

Lois

Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.

Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...

Peter

Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.

Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.