Family Guy quotes

Peter

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom

But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter

Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

Peter

[on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

Peter

I'm handicapped now!

Tom

Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter

Oh, come on!

Tom

[runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

Tom

That's you driving the car.

Peter

Well, there's your hook!

Tom

Get out.

Stewie

Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

Lois

Stewie, go to sleep.

Stewie

This doesn't involve you, Lois!

Lois

Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois

"Don we now our gay apparel."

[puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris

[laughs] Rump.

Peter

This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

Peter

Damn it all!

SHH!

Peter

Sorry! Sorry.

Hey, shut up! Keep it down!

Peter

Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?

Take it outside, pal!

Have you ever heard of a sitter?!

Peter

[jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?

I'll make you an endangered species!

Peter

Oh, good comeback, Potsie!

I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!

Peter

Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!

Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

Jeff

[about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter

Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Hey!

Peter

Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter

You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Did you hear me, young man?

Meg

I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Peter?

Peter

Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris

Elephants are bigger in person!

Lois

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?

Sure.

Lois

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?

Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.

Stewie

Shut up. You're not my mother.

Good God, are you alright?

Stewie

Fine. Why do you ask?

Stewie

[encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?

Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?

Stewie

[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!

[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?

Stewie

That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!

Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]

Stewie

It's a fake. It's not real.

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Stewie

I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

West

Oh, my...

Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.

West

I see...

What in God's name were you trying to prove?

West

I was trying to gain superpowers.

Well, that's just silly.

West

Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

Lois

Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

Peter

[dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

Peter

Lois, no one needs glasses.

Meg

You wear glasses.

Peter

That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Peter

Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois

Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?

Peter

Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.

Lois

Is there no hope?

Peter

Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Tom

[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake's picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie

HE GON' GET IT!

Tom

Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Meg

So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?

Yup.

Meg

Wow! Where’d ya get it?

Oh. I got a guy.

Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Good morning, class.

Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

Chris

Two Ds and an F.