American Dad! quotes

Stan Smith

[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.

Principal Lewis

Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.

Principal Lewis

Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.

Stan Smith

I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]: Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith

Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!

Hayley Smith

You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.

Stan Smith

You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]

Hayley Smith

[staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.

Stan Smith

This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!

Francine Smith

It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Hey, I love your dog.

Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?

Okay.

And then we can play with this dog.

Stan Smith

[carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!

Hayley Smith

Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?

Stan Smith

Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.

Steve Smith

Hilary, could you pass the salt?

Stan Smith

[holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

Stan Smith

Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?

Steve Smith

You said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith

I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith

Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Principal Lewis

Smith! What's the meaning of this?!

Steve Smith

Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."

Principal Lewis

You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

Steve Smith

All periods will now be called Steves.

[to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?

Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.

[to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.

Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles!

Stan

What makes you think you're going to survive?

Roger

My species is immune to all human ailments.

Stan

So explain that cold sore.

Roger

Mind your own business!

Steve

I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.

Francine

Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Hayley

Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.

Stan:

Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.

Stan

You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.

Francine

I did both.

Stan

Well you can just do it all, can't you?