American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Barry: Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.

Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Barry: Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

Bill Pullman: Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]
Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.

Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.

Christie White: We'll call you in Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.
Betsy White: So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more?
Christie White: Of course it does!
Chuck White: You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town! Ha Ha!

Doctor Gupta: When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
Roger: I've heard of that.
Doctor Gupta: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
Doctor Gupta: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if I don't need her to talk?

Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think--
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: [disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Francine (before leaving for her next operation): Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (leaves)
Klaus (sadly): I like Scrubs.

Francine: (to Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.

Francine: [landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

Francine: [to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?
Stan: Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...
Francine: Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!
Stan: I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

Francine: Any letters for me?
Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!