American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes


Butch (repeated line): But seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes?

Francine (irritated): Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
Stan: I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
Francine: Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.

Francine: Damn it, Roger. Take him to the hospital!
Roger: Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to the hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him.
Francine: This is crazy!!
Roger: Well I think you're crazy, see ain't that hurtful?
Francine: You son of a bitch. I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out!!
Roger: Oh, so it ends with you being the potty mouth so I'm hanging up.

Francine: I don't get it, they're friends again?
Hayley: Told you. They just needed to f**k.

Francine: In 1st grade, they sent me home with lice. My parents said "Oh, 'cause she has lice. She has it for runch everyday." I can say it, you can't.

Francine: Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?
Hayley: But Mom...
Jeff: [to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.
[Hayley sighs]
Francine: Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...
[loudly takes a long sip of coffee while Jeff and Hayley stare, silently]

Francine: So you weren't molested?
Stan: No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.

Francine: You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Hayley: [to Stan and Roger] Yeah, you guys should just f**k and get it over with. Clearly, you have repressed sexual feelings for each other that you're channeling into hostility.

Hayley: After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do women, but then... that wasn't working out. So, long short story, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.

Johnson's Waiter: Hey, little guy. I heard your dad walked out on ya, 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what will make you feel better.
Stan: [narrating] At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was gonna get molested. But it was even better.

Juror: Hey, it's me. I'm gonna be late. Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4 for me? Thanks, hon. Now, put mommy on the phone.

Klaus: [talking to the new fish in the bowl] Hi, I'm Klaus. What's your sign? Pisces?

Principal Lewis (introducing Hayley and Jeff to his house): Welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a shithole. But, it's a good arena for bonding activities and a constant reminder of what happens when you try to smack some sense into your lady.
Hayley: You're a marriage counselor.
Principal Lewis: Step one on your path to a happier marriage: you have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this.
Hayley (to Jeff): Let's go Jeff. This isn't real.
Principal Lewis (draws a gun on her): It just got real, bitch! Now clean my house!