Tonight in honor of the 100th episode of American Dad!, tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death! 100 times! [A death counter appears with a silhouette of Roger as the Grim Reaper.] That's right! 100 of the characters you've come to know and love will die!
[Roger steps in front of the curtain looking and laughing like the Crypt Keeper until he coughs and holds up a cigarette.]
For Pete's sake, these things are gonna kill me. [the counter almost goes up to "001" until Roger hits it] But not tonight! No, tonight, we're gonna find out "Who Shot Mr. Burns"! [to someone offstage] What? Fifteen years ago? Who was it? ... Really, the baby?! [sighs] I want a baby.
[cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorem? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!! "[Camera shows the slow janitor by a mop bucket. The slow janitor eats the piece of chalk, and runs away with the mop bucket.]
A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage! The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-male stoner. Here is an artist's rendering of the couple. [Shows a rendering of Velma and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.]
Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.
[comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.
I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.
[Cuts to some time later. Roger is stoned and driving the car crazily while stuffing cheese puffs, with a concerned Steve and Klaus.]
Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!?!
[Roger's P.O.V. It is shown that he is seeing Steve as a walrus in Nazi attire, and Klaus as Garfield stuffed in Klaus's fish bowl.]
Hey, I see Hayley! [It is shown that Roger has actually seen an obese Korean man in a nearby boat, with similar clothes and hair to Hayley.] Don't marry Jeff! Case, closed.
Bitch, what are you crying about?! I was counting on that money! I can't go back to work now! I took a deuce on my desk! [Rips off his suit] Fuck. Y'all!!!
Oh, you want me to confront Father Roy about what happened at camp. Thing is, I'm not sure it was entirely his fault. I may have deserved it. In fact, I may have instigated it. Actually, Francine, I seduced him. I don't know why I wanted him, but I wanted him. There was no actual penet...
