American Dad! · Season 3
I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday night dinners.
Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that's cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist.
Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.
[Stan parks next to the window of his house as in drive-thru]
Stan : Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.
Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!
Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.
[The family is in a lifeboat starving]
We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?
This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.
[gasp] Steve's hiding food!
No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Give it to me!
Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!
[sees an island] Look!
[The family is hiding in a cave]
I'm exhausted.
I'm starving!
Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
We could go skiing!
Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...
But-
Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.
Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.
Did someone say, "skiing"?
[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]
I'm thinking of a person.
Ronald Reagan?
Damn!
Francine Smith: All I want is to have Dinner once a while and spend some real qualitly time together, but you know what? I'm done, done! Because you are a complete ass family. If somebody ask me in the house, I say 'The Asses' and I might be right!
[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]
Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
(Gasps, covers herself)
Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...
[to Hayley] He never cleaned his plate! He just moved the food! Why? [bawls] Why?!
[laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, the guy.
(after Stan fails to convince Brett that God exists)
Brett, wait! The Lord is my shepherd, but you're my ride home!
Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!
I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?
Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.
Why did you cut Francine out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan : It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Francine is our smart daughter. We never have to worry about her...and she married OK.
Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
