Snot quotes from American Dad!

Snot

I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies.

Snot

[regarding "Star Wars"] Like hello, know your audience. More farming please.

Snot

Dude, she's got wrinkles!

Steve

So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

Steve

Snot, remember that time I gave you half an orange?

Snot

Yeah.

Steve

Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass!

Klaus

No, I don't remember you remember you giving me half an orange, so no, you can't.

Steve

Why does everybody hate me so much?!

Roger

Hey, guess what? I'm flame retardant.

Steve

Can I blow you up with firecrackers?

Roger

I don't see why not.

Steve

Awesome!

Steve

I will now recklessly blow up my cousin, Roger.

Steve

For good measure, I'm gonna set the whole thing off with this. The Finger Blaster.

フィンガーブラスターほど女の子を夢中にさせるものはありません。[Japanese to English translation: Nothing gets a girl going quite like a Finger Blaster.]

Steve

Ah! My thumb! I blew off my thumb!

Barry

We're gonna get in trouble! Ruuuuun!

Roger

Okay, golden opportunity. Say "Charlie, they took my thumb." [beat] Eric Roberts, Pope of Greenwich Village. You're a lot of fun.

Stan

So, a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for "Central Intelligence Agency". Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia".

Steve

That's not what we wrote! We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.

Snot

Balls!

He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. Because I'm taking him before the Beth Din!

Snot

The Beth Din?

What's the Beth Din? I don't know what that is, etc.

Steve

What's the Beth Din?

The leader of a group of Jewish elders. Yours is a rich culture which we despise.

Once the Beth Din hears what you did, not only will you be kicked out of our temple, no other temple will take you. You'll never be bar mitzvah-ed. Doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days as a child. [walks away]

Snot

[horrified] The rest of my days as a child?

[in Japanese, subtitled] You think that's bad? I have to spend the rest of my days haunted by the ghost of a 12th-century shogun warrior.

[in Japanese, subtitled] You know they can't understand you.

[in Japanese, subtitled] You're right, Minamoto. Today's clam chowder is quite good.

Snot

Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?

Steve

Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has To Go To Her Nursing Job".

Barry

Ouch.

Snot

Hayley, I love you! And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.

Hayley

No, I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.

Snot

I thought you might say that, but wait till you hear this. (He brings the orchestra people around) Aha! I hired a 12-piece orchestra to play your favorite song: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.

Snot

Now, what do you say?

Hayley

No.

Snot

I thought you might say that, but feast your eyes on this! (The orchestral people leave as a delivery truck drives up, and as the back door of the truck opens, there is an elephant and it trumpets) Aha! Elephant. Your favorite animal. I rented it for you! Say you love me.

Hayley

No.

Snot

I thought you might say that, but wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack! (He gets a bunch of batteries and shows it to Hayley) Aha! Batteries! Your favorite thing on your favorite animal!

Hayley

No.

Snot

I thought you might say that, but wait until you see this!

Snot

Aha! What do you say now, my love?

Hayley

Go away.

Steve

[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.

Snot

I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Barry

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

Steve

I guess it's worth a shot.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Stan

Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.

Stan

God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

Stan

'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

Stan

A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.

Steve

I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.

Snot

Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

H-Hey, Dad.

Stan

Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.

Steve

What? Why?

Stan

[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.

Stan

We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.

Steve

Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.

Stan

Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.

Stan

And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.

Stan

And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...

Steve

Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?

Stan

The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]

Steve

Alright, this is enough.

Snot

[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?

Stan

I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.

Steve

Oh my stars, what a day!

You have new messages.

Steve

When did I get an answering machine?

Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can, no presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [a car horn and a huge crash is heard] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty bud, I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies, that would be a big help, and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF! [machine beeps, Roger whispers] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse, I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident, they're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.

Hey, get off the phone!

[angrily] What'd you say to me?! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Snot! Turn on the news, dude! Someone's going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Roge! Roge, the Dodge Charger, I'm back at the gym. Listen, my manager is freaking out about this deal I'm offering you, I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me... [Steve pushes the machine's button] Steve! [Steve pushes again] Steve-O! [Steve pushes again] S-Man! [Steve pushes again] Stefan Urkel! [Steve pushes again] Even Steven! [Steve pushes again] Steve-it-to-Steaver! [Steve pushes again] STEVEN, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!! [Steve pushes again] Hi, calling for Steven Smith. [Steve pushes again, Roger speaks in poor feminine voice] Hello, Steve, this is the girl that you like.

Snot

Mom, who died?

Schmuely.

Snot

Uncle Ira? What are you doing here?

How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!!!

Steve

I can't believe my dad ditched us here.

[in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.

Snot

Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?

Barry

I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.

Snot

Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

Snot

Field day!

Steve

The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and-

[arrives] What are you two doing here?

Steve

I know it looks bad, two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room, but I can assure you, we are only here to collect pubic hair.

Snot

Darn! We only got one DNA sample!

And stay out, perverts! [spits]

Steve

[he tries to catch the spit in slow motion] D N A! [e screams as he falls to the floor as Snot checks on him if he is okay; downstairs, Steve is laying on the floor and he takes off his glasses blood starts flowing from his body]

Steve

What are you gonna name yours?

Snot

I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.

Steve

I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.

Snot

Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.