American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes



Breakfast Haus waiter: Y'all have enough time?
Roger: I'll have two eggs †one over easy, one over medium †three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup †unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned †closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking †with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.
Breakfast Haus waiter: We don't serve alcohol.
[scene changes to Café Olé]

Bullock: Gentleman do what ever it takes to empty our coffers.
Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.
It makes me excited.
It gives me the chills.
They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners
Zobos and debos and blorps that go, "Eenahs!"
For a one dollar bill
You can pull down their zippers.
I am the Snorax
I speak for the strippers!

Crackhead Booboo: Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?
Dealer: Not now, Mom. I'm working.

Francine: Oh, my God! Stan!
Stan (as he hides the cannister of rat poison; disgusted): Oh, he's doing his Heath Ledger impression. Too soon, Roger. Too soon.
(Stan is inside Roger's mind. He happens upon a cave with a dying, Jiminy Cricket-esque bug locked in a birdcage)

Francine: Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!
(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)
Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!
Francine: Klaus?! What you do doing in there?
Klaus: Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.
Francine: Why'd he put you in the freezer?
Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Francine: Why is anger the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?
Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.

Jeff: How's you huge vagina?
Hayley: Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Jesus: Ah, an alien. One of my father's side projects.

Klaus: (From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!
(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)
Francine: (while watching the porn) Nice.
(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)
Francine: Is everyone okay?
Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?
Season 6

Ricky The Raptor: Hi kids, I'm Ricky The Raptor here to tell you about the Rapture.

Roger (after Stan tells his 'three rings of marriage' joke): That's not a good joke because it's not racist.

Roger: *Gasp* I dropped my meatball in the pool

Roger: Alright someone call Mel Gibson and apologize and then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon, he'll know what it means.

Roger: Great I'll put it on the dvd extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
[Francine looks mad]