American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

Barry: [beating up Steve] Let's kill his parents next. Let's kill them all.
(A crying Francine is being comforted by Roger's entourage of skanks)

Bullock: Oh, look. Miss Pinkerton fainted at the market buying canned salmon for her puss-puss. Get up, Smith! I have no choice but to suspend you until you deal with your weight problem.

Bush: Stan, those things don't make your daughter a lost cause. Look at me. When I was her age, I was blitzed off my ass 24-seven. Doin' Tequila shots, Jell-O shooters, Mind Erasers, Cement Mixers, Dr. Pepper Bombs, Mud Slides, Kamikazes, Jageritas, Lemon Drops, B-52s, Fuzzy Navels, Gorilla Farts, Scorpion Bowls, Singapore Slings, Prairie Fires, Bloody Marys, Slippery Nipples...
Steve: [Upon seeing George Bush] Holy Fuck! We were just about to call you!

Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $147.
Roger: What? Where are we gonna get that kind of money?
Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stan: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!

Counselor (to Stan): Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
Stan: Young lady?
Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
Stan: I'm not in high school!
Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?
Stan: I've never menstruated!
Counselor (to the rest of the class): You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?

Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death is dessert.
Steve: I love dessert!

Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. place?
Stan: Lets talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

Francine (sobbing): My husband ran into the well-toned arms of a more compatible woman.
Skank #1: Oh, honey, don't worry. Single life is great.
Skank #2: Yeah. Guys take you out, treat ya real special, take ya to all the best places.
Roger (as he's coming down the stairs): Let's roll, hos. You guys can have a kiss-fight to see who gets to eat the fruit that touches my syrup at IHOP!
(As Francine is watching Roger abuse his entourage of skanks)

Francine [to Stan]: You bastard! (punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose)
Stan: (sniffing) Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!
Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

Francine: (teaching Indian children) Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."
Indian Children: (in unison): Thank you for call Apple Tech Support.
(A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera)
Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.
(A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off)

Francine: I feel like we're in a rut.
Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?

Francine: I know about the government storage center, Stan. I'm having a baby.
Stan: No! (Francine maces Stan) My eyes! (His head hits the door where Francine exits) My mouth! (His back hits the bathroom door) My back! (He opens his eyes to see his dead plant) My begonia! (His hand presses the alarm clock, playing music) My Sharona! (His back hits the TV, turning it on)
Julia Roberts: ...marry me?
Stan: "My Best Friend's Wedding"! (Shields his eyes) Ahh, my eyes again!

Francine: I will not be a worn-out ho having breakfast for dinner with an abusive Persian. I lived that life and Stan saved me from it.

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Francine: Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son.
Hayley: I'm going with you. If I can just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares.
Stan: (laughs) Okay, Bono, settle down.