American Dad! · Season 14
Damn, Steve! You wake up camera ready, lucky dog! Takes me hours to shake that “just woke up” look.
No time for what?
And your morning voice sounds clear as a sparrow! Me? Forget about it! No phone calls before noon.
Klaus, I have to get started on my dad’s present.
Damn, and no morning breath? Do you sleep with mints in your mouth?
[After Klaus exposes Stan's scheme to Steve, they are ready to catch him by surprise with it- but much to THEIR surprise, Stan is already in Steve's room]
Well, well, well.
Dad!
No. Looks like you got it all figured out.
W-W-Why are you doing this to us?
[imitating Steve's quivering to start off] W-W-W-W-W-W-W-why, why, why, why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you!
Chances? What are you talking about?
[as the "alarm" Stan has set goes off at 5AM] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya...
[opens his curtains, revealing snow on the window] Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Hayley and Francine gasp]
[pissed off at this revelation] You brainwashed us?!
Oh, of course, make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! [sees Steve's lip quivering] Go ahead, Steve, cry! It'd be weirder if ya didn't! [Hayley gasps] Go ahead, Hayley, gasp. It'd be weirder if ya didn't!
Stan, enough!
[really losing it now] SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs! I need bananas!"
Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret.
Oh, I haven't even STARTED! [as "Scatman" plays to block the dialogue, Stan unleashes a vicious and truly venomous speech about his family's faults; judging by the movements, he criticizes Francine for her pompousness and excessive alcoholism, Hayley for her near-incessant use of marijuana, and finally Steve for his immaturity and frequent masturbation]
It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad is being a guilty dad.
Yeah! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day.
NO!!
That's just a character flaw!
Noticing my flaws... and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day?
Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup.
Look, this vape pen isn't gonna smoke itself behind the gym. The "F" stands.
F? F? F? F? F?! F?! F?! F?!
[in Japanese] He's gonna lose his shit!
[Steve starts screaming]
Don't worry, Barry know what to do! [He grabs Snot's Zoloft, tackles Steve and dumps several pills in his mouth]
[slowly] Now it's just gonna take me longer to finish freaking out.
[reviewing Steve's script] This still doesn't feel like a guaranteed "A". Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger. Steve's teacher will find that much more impressive.
I think maybe he'll care a little bit more about historical accuracy.
Uh... if I didn't care about historical accuracy, would I have stolen the actual Spirit of St. Louis from the Smithsonian?
What?!
The toughest part was convincing the guard I came in with it.
Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.
I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.
Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.
Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.
Should should we turn on the TV?
I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.
Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?
Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.
Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.
It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.
Marcus is another bird.
I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?
Roger, this place is about removing your anxiety. They love me, and they're going to love you too.
Okay. Welcome, everyone. I hope I'm not being too forceful.
You're fine I'm Chad, this is Gina, and this is a giant crystal. The three of us will be guiding you today. Oh, it looks like we have some new faces here.
Steve, what's gotten into you? Your skin is clear, your voice sounds deeper.
Oh, it started happening once I stopped touching myself all the time.
Funny. I find the more I touch myself, the deeper my voice gets.
Let's just say I hope Lindsay's call was monitored and recorded, 'cause it was sexy as hell!
Oh, Steve.
You sound just like Lindsay!
Ah, Saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows. [changes channel] A guy with question marks on his suit yelling tax secrets at me. [changes channel] Rick Steves' Glory Hole in Europe. [changes channel] And of course, the secret final episode of Caroline in the City.
[Cut to Caroline carrying an axe covered in blood with a crazed look on her face looking at her other cast members brutally killed]
Now the city is mine!
[Stan laughs hysterically]
Still holds up!
Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?
It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?
You like this, Roger?
Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!
Wait, wh-what was that second thing?
Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects?
At Spencer's Gifts.
Let’s call him Jeff. I’m starting to think Tristan is a gay lion’s name.
Santa has kidnapped Steve!
Steve Harvey? Santa's gone too far this time!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
