Jeff Fischer quotes from American Dad!

Jeff

[as he and Sinbad cross through the wormhole to Earth] Wow! The wormhole! It's so beautiful, like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We... are... INFINITE!!

Stan

How could you let Hayley do this?!

Jeff

Do what?

Stan

Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....

Jeff

Her Sno-Balls?

Stan

You bastard!

Hayley

Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.

Jeff

What? But-but we're so good together.

Hayley

No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.

Jeff

You're right. I so do that.

Jeff

Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]

Hayley

What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff

I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.

Hayley

No.

Jeff

Okay. Bye.

Hayley

Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!

Jeff

Still?

Stan

Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?

Jeff

You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on the caboose]

Stan

Great. Well Roger, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.

Roger

Wait! How will I get out of here?

Stan

Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]

You flute me?

Roger

Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.

Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

Stan

[as Jeff stalks on him in the shower] What the hell are you doing?

Jeff

You shave your chest?

Stan

What, no! It's for work! Get out of my shower!

Jeff

...But why'd she go so crazy?

Stan

Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...

Stan

The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...

Jeff

How's you huge vagina?

Hayley

Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Francine

Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?

Hayley

But Mom...

Jeff

[to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.

Francine

Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...

Hayley

Jeff, what are you doing here?

Jeff

Look-

[cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorem? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!! "[Camera shows the slow janitor by a mop bucket. The slow janitor eats the piece of chalk, and runs away with the mop bucket.]

Hayley

Jeff, I don't wanna go to Mexico! Okay, that's your plan! We need a plan we can both be excited about!

Jeff

A new plan... New Mexico!

A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage! The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-male stoner. Here is an artist's rendering of the couple. [Shows a rendering of Velma and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.]

Jeff

Zoinks!

Francine

You piece of shit! You're gonna break my daughter's heart for fifty thousand dollars?!

Stan

Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.

Francine

I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky you piece of shit!

Jeff

[Stan hands him the case] Wow! Hundred dollar bills! Hello, President Shakespeare.

Stan

[sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.

Francine

[sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.

Stan

You know what time it is.

Jeff

Shh.

Hayley

Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.

Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.

I know. But did you see this bone?

Where'd you find that bone?

Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.

Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.