American Dad! · Season 1, Episode 1
“Pilot” · Season 1, Episode 1
In this episode: Stan Smith (6), Steve Smith (4), Hayley Smith (2), Principal Lewis (2), Francine Smith (1)
[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [takes out a vial and starts chugging down pills]
Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]: Henry, antidote.
Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
[staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]
Hey, I love your dog.
Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Okay.
And then we can play with this dog.
[carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?
Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!
Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Hilary, could you pass the salt?
[holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.
Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
You said, "Look out for the mines."
I said, "Look out for the mines."
Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.
Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.
All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
[to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
[to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
