Hanukkah's always been second fiddle to Christmas. We don't have any catchy songs or Santa. This is a tough time of the year for us.
[as Uncle Roger] Are there, or have there ever been, other tough times for Jewish people?
Yes.
S15Santa, Schmanta
Jingle bells, Santa smells, everything's so lame/Christmastime is such a grind. Hey, don't push me away. Hey!
Jingle bells, I'm unwell, watching others play/They have fun but I am bummed because Santa skips my place
Crashing through the mall, 'cause I'm driving while I'm baked/But I don't care at all
I was crying the whole way
Ha! Ha! Ha!/See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line/All we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes
Oh, jingle bells, hear me yell, Jewish gifts are dumb/What's in the box? Oh, it's just socks and not a paintball gun
Jingle bells, this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame/Compared to this, it's like a bris, just chop my dick away!
Just chop!
Just chop!
BBoth
Just chop my dick away!
So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.
That's the Star of David.
David? Screw that guy! Wait, should I screw that guy? [to an elf] Put out some feelers to David, see if he's DTF.
Yeah. David is not DTF, because he's been dead for 4,000 years.
Done worse. [whispers] I fucked a chicken.
S15Paranoid Frandroid
Welcome to Conspiracy Con! Will you be paying with untraceable bitcoin or... [the man holds a money jar up to him] A big jar of filthy change. Nice. Keepin' it O.G. [he hand the attendee a badge and sprays him with two different bottles] Now, here's your badge and two pumps of deer urine to repel Bigfoot-- and a little CK One, because now you smell like piss.
Francine. Celery? Those better be giant gummy celeries, or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.
Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?
Okay, I'll bite. What in God's name are you talking about?
Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.
That's what going on up there? I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.
Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. [he pulls a box of aluminum foil out of one of the kitchen drawers] The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. [chuckling] Those guys use it for everything. The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.
Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me. Francine, if you're going to the store, pick me up some Plan B and a magnet!
LMrs. Lonstein
Air hockey?
No thanks, I don't feel like playing.
LMrs. Lonstein
Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?
DDel
You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
What's happening, Steve? [sobbing]
Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!
S15The Census of the Lambs
[Stan plays the clarinet he stole from the Law and Order convention]
SGSecurity Guard
I heard it! Play it again, you coward!
I'm not a coward, Francine.
Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]
Every year.
I feel like I’ve seen something like this done before.
No, no, it’s all original. These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry. Can you lean in a little? I want to match the image I have in my mind.
What a shutter slut.
[in Japanese] When did we all get jealous about this?
S15Shell Game
[A scantily dressed woman in handcuffs gives Steve information on finding an expert on eggs]
Thank you. You’ve been a very helpful prostitute.
WWoman
Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading!
DDetective
And I got that on tape.
[Commander is examing on the egg]
Careful. Nice and easy. Slowly. Real careful-like.
CCommander
[yelling] I KNOW!
Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted!
You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.
How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!
It was in my pocket.
Oh, my life. It's flashing before my eyes.
[Steve experiences a lengthy flashback of his family immigrating from Italy and experiencing life in the 50's. He steals cookies from Francine, attends his fist communion, and witnesses Snot die from a car bomb]
What the hell is in that sauce?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.