An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
What?
It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.
S8 E1Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
Berta: These pants were in the mailbox.
What the hell were they doing in the mailbox?!
I dunno; but there's postage on 'em.
Well I clearly had a plan at SOME point...
[Alan & Charlie see a girl sneak out across Charlie's deck]
...Yours?
Alan, she's, like, 16.
Again I ask, hoping I won't be called to testify...yours?
No! She's coming from Jake's room.
Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room at 7 in the morning?
Why do you think??
Oh, come on, he's 16!
Not everybody waits until they're a junior in college, Alan.
Sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.
I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?
Just try to hit the bowl this time.
Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking. [takes a swig of beer]
[leaving through the front door] I'll wait in the car.
[Charlie spots the two girls from before now sneaking out of the house, unseen by Judith and Alan]
Hey, Judith, is there surfing around here?
What're you talking about? We're 20 miles from the beach.
That's what I thought...I'm so proud of that kid!
S8 E2A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
(on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.
(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
S8 E10Mm Mm, Don't Do It?
Hi, Charlie.
Courtney? I thought you were in prison.
I was, but I'm out now. Wanna go to Vegas?
Are you kidding? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.
I haven't had sex in three years.
Bye, everybody.
S8 E12Chocolate Donuts and My Puppy's Adopted
HHarper
For every gorgeous woman out there, there's a guy who's tired of banging her.
S8 E13Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup
MMackelroy
Before we go any further, I'd like to take something off the table.
HHarper
What?
MMackelroy
My ass.
S8 E14Looking For Japanese Subs
[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]
What are you doing?
Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Really?
Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
You mean "peckish".
Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]
[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]
Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!
You've heard of Jackass?
Yeah.
We are Dumbass.
[Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?
That was kind of a rhetorical question.
It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
[Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Think so?
Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!
[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]
Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
There were precautions.
You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
We were trying to land in the ocean.
You missed it by a hundred yards!
S9 E1Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
He also loved being back for a week.
MMichelle
…while wearing my panties.
He used my panties to make tea.
That's Okay brother.
Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.