[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]
Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?
Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.
[Charlie enters Alan's room]
OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.
[Judith is in labor]
Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
I can't get over how into this baby you are.
It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
Season 7
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[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.
OOperator
Then why are we here?
She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
OOperator
You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.
[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
...
The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
That stopped being funny a week ago.
[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]
You are a... What are we up to?
Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!
She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!
Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.
Better. You are a nancy-boy.
Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.
[To Charlie] I never got my "P".
[To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!
[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.
I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?
Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!
That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.
I haven't been happy in seven years.
For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.
Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.
Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!
God, you are such a... What are we up to?
Varmint! You are a varmint.
Yeah, well, you are a vagina!
You're calling me a vagina?
No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.
You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.
You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.
Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
MMailman
Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.
