(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
Why did she (Judith) leave you?
Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.
S9 E1Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
No.
You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
You bought a Zune?
I had a coupon.
S9 E2People Who Love Peepholes
I love peepholes.
You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."
S9 E3Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
Herpes Junior?
S9 E7Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
Promise you won't tell Alan?
I gonna tell everybody.
S9 E9Frodo's Headshots
Have you told your mother about this?
No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
Why would I tell her?
Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.
How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
I thought it was a stress clinic.
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!
S9 E14A Possum on Chemo
[Jake and Eldridge are high]
It seems overly complicated.
What is?
Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
What is?
Pre-dipped chips.
Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
What's a million dollar idea?
It's an idea worth a million dollars.
Boy, I wish I had one of those.
S9 E23The Straw In My Donut Hole
…and what pray tell is that?
That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
Nice! No movies?
No, we could switch it to a movie package.
Or you could add it.
Oh, okay, we'll add it.
And don't forget the adult channels.
No problem.
You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
Right.
[...]
LLyndsey
"You got any porn on this thing?"
"Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
LLyndsey
"Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
"Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."
S9 E24Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.
S10 E13Grab a Feather and Get in Line
I mean, I did what I did for love. Am I really that bad of a guy?
CLChuck Lorre
You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. You broke that poor girl's heart. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. You should've told the truth right from the start. But my intentions were good. I was no slave to my wood. I wanted her to love me for me. He does have lots of riches, which attracts a lot of bitches. Thank you, Alan, but you'll never be on "Glee." Aw, crap. If I may throw in my two cents, your love was based on a pretense. Your relationship with mother is to blame. You didn't suckle on her boobies, you self-medicate with doobies, which explains why you used a made-up name. Cue da refrain. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. Everything you said was a lie. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. But you're still a really, really handsome guy. Thank you. Then what am I to do? So I don't always live with you. Wow, that hurts my feelings, but since I live there beneath your ceilings, I'll bite the pillow like the prison bitches do. Oooh! If she gives me one more chance, we can have a real romance. If she doesn't, we can party in my pants. 'Scuse me, no disrespect, but I have to interject, what makes you think you can steal the show? 'Cause I'm gay! Oh, you're so clearly from L.A. Yeah, I'm gay. And he will always be that way. I'm gay. Or as his Jersey friends would say: A-yo, badda bing, he's a big ol' 'mo. 'Scuse me, but we seem to be digressing, and I find it to be quite distressing. Can we sing about the problem that's at hand? Can Kate get over Sam and love who I am? You confuse me for someone who gives a damn. So bottom line, you're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. And I'll die sad and alone. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. (Ring!) Hold it, everybody, that's my phone. Hello? Kate? You're a douche. (Click!) Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche-y, douche, douche, douche. Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche-y, douche, douche, oooh, you're a douche... you're a dou- You couldn't say it meaner. I'm a big vagina cleaner. Didn't do what I oughta. I'm vinegar and water. On this we all agree. Oh yes, we all agree. Oh good, you finally see, to shining sea. Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Drum roll... You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big, fizzy douche. And that's all I'll ever be. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. And that's all you'll ever be. Douche!
S11 E1Nangnangnangnang
[As a girl walks up the stairs, Jenny Harper, Charlie's long-lost daughter, stops Walden in his tracks]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Up to show her.
Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.
[Jenny walks upstairs]
What just happened?
Charlie's back.
S11 E2I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
Hey, you're welcome to crash here anytime you need a break from Evelyn and 91-and-a-half shades of grey.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym, but big deal. I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym.
You and me both.
AAlyssa
[to Jenny] Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
[running away] Uh-oh.
AAlyssa
Congo, my ass! Don't run! You don't want to run!
[Jenny leaps over the railing, and Alyssa follows her]
Yeah, it feels like home again!
S11 E3This Unblessed Biscuit
Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?
Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.
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