[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]
Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]
[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]
Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!
[Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?
That was kind of a rhetorical question.
It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
[Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!
[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]
Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
We were trying to land in the ocean.
You missed it by a hundred yards!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.