Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.
BCBerta & Charlie
Can't help ya.
Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
BCBerta and Charlie
Yeah, look at your dad!
S4 E13Don't Worry, Speed Racer
[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
What did he say to you?
Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Why would he think that?
Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.
[About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...
I do like banana cream pie.
Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
[Interrupting] I just told you I like it.
Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.
Goodnight Berta.
Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
You know what, I'll take a cab.
What?
A bottle of whipped cream.
So?
So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.
Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Speed Racer?
Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Alan...
I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
We all are!
Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.
Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.
Wow.
Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
Jake can hear you two in bed.
Oh, God... oh god...
He didn't hear THAT.
S4 E14That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.
Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Morning.
Hey, how you feeling?
Not too bad, really.
That was some fall you took.
Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
You think the liquor industry would promote that.
It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.
DDanielle
You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Yeah, but they're all gay.
[About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
So what do we talk about?
Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Charlie, I'm not sure...
DDanielle
[Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Oh darn...
What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
DDanielle
Should we reschedule?
No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?
She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Hey, I'd do her.
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