TV show quotes
Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Uh... something to do with water.
And...?
A duck?
Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.
[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Are you gonna let me explain or not?
What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Exactly.
Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
Are you sure you're the loser brother?
That's always been the consensus.
Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
No, no, you don't understand--
I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Charlie, are you OK?
Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
He can't find his stalker?
They're usually in the last place you look.
[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Jake, I said no!
I didn't do it!
He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
What are you staring at?
Nothing, señor.
[outside the nightclub]
Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
MTV? Did they just defrost you?
What have you had to eat recently?
Nothing much.
He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
He asked me what I ate.
And I told him.
[About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.
I'm only 40.
Tell that to your liver.
[Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
[Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Yes!!.... You're going to live
Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
So what you're saying is...
It's a house of cards, Alan.
Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
