Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.
Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Morning.
Hey, how you feeling?
Not too bad, really.
That was some fall you took.
Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
You think the liquor industry would promote that.
It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.
DDanielle
You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Yeah, but they're all gay.
[About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
So what do we talk about?
Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Charlie, I'm not sure...
DDanielle
[Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Oh darn...
What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
DDanielle
Should we reschedule?
No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?
She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Hey, I'd do her.
Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
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