TV show quotes
And don't tell Berta she [Lydia] was here.
Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying.
I'm always lying. I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. [leaves]
Yeah you're the smart one. Know how I know? The washing machine called and told me [sits on the couch]
[pause] Ooh high heels and cool whip! [excitedly rushes out the front door]
Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Hallelujah!
[singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
[singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!
Oh, eggnog.
Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
That's why I need eggnog.
Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?
Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.
I'm a doctor!
A real one, or like Alan?
I'm a pediatrician.
Wow, so you're into feet.
No, children.
Isn't that illegal?
Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Drunk blonde?
Well, she isn't always blonde.
Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
Well... I don't like fat guys.
Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
It's a miracle!
A Christmas miracle.
Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
That's a life lesson, Jake.
How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?
This isn't a Christmas party.
Well, what do you call it?
The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "He then turned the gun on himself".
You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?
Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
What else can you pierce?
Nothing.
Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
He can't spell "Google".
[referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?
What?
Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"
I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.
You can't join the Army.
Why not?
Because you already are all you can be.
There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.
Thank you.
I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
