[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Jake, I said no!
I didn't do it!
He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
What are you staring at?
Nothing, señor.
“Young People Have Phlegm Too” · Season 4, Episode 16
In this episode: Charlie (9), Alan (7), Dr Pranjeep (3), Jake (1), Berta (1)
[outside the nightclub]
Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
BBruno
You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
MTV? Did they just defrost you?
PDr. Prajneep
What have you had to eat recently?
Nothing much.
He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
He asked me what I ate.
And I told him.
[About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.
I'm only 40.
Tell that to your liver.
[Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
[Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Yes!!.... You're going to live
Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
So what you're saying is...
It's a house of cards, Alan.
Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]
[Outside the hospital's emergency room] Damn it! What kind of a hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'M HOMELESS! [Enters the emergency room] Uhh...everything's fine. They're just gonna run some tests. Not to worry.
[Who thinks he is going to die] Easy for you to say. Listen, Alan, if I don't make it, you need to know about my will.
Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk, you're gonna make it, but...go on, finish what you were saying.
First of all, I left the house to you and Jake.
Yes!! [Charlie looks at him].... you're gonna make it!
Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it and the property taxes are $50,000 a year.
Uhh...$50,000. [whistles] Eh, excuse me. [steps outside and yells] Do you got a flatline to get a little help around here?! Do you need to move to Canada to get some decent medical care?! [enters the emergency room] They'll be right over. So, uh-uh, 50 grand, huh? Boy, I don't know how I can afford that. Y'know, if I came into some money, an inheritance, or something.
There's no money, Alan.
N-None?
The whole thing's a house of cards.
Huh. [steps outside and yells] Okay, I did not want to have to do this, but I am Matthew Broderick! And that is my brother lying there!
I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. I love you in The Producers.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!!
Listen to you, you're like an old man.
I can't listen to me. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.