Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Uh... something to do with water.
And...?
A duck?
Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.
[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Are you gonna let me explain or not?
What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Exactly.
Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
LLeanne
No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
BBeverly
Are you sure you're the loser brother?
That's always been the consensus.
Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
No, no, you don't understand--
I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
BBeverly
Charlie, are you OK?
Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
BBeverly
He can't find his stalker?
They're usually in the last place you look.
[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.