Two and a Half Men · Season 4, Episode 19
What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Exactly. And you know what that means?
You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
[Alan rings the doorbell]
You wanna get the door, Herb?
Stop yelling at me!
I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Herb, is this a bad time?
The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]
WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
(from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!
[Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.
Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Not in my house.
Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Excuse me?
When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.
That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.
[About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Really?
Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.
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