Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Hallelujah!
[singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
[singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!
Oh, eggnog.
Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
That's why I need eggnog.
Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?
Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.
I'm a doctor!
A real one, or like Alan?
I'm a pediatrician.
Wow, so you're into feet.
No, children.
Isn't that illegal?
DDorothy
Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Drunk blonde?
DDorothy
Well, she isn't always blonde.
Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
GGloria
Well... I don't like fat guys.
Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
GGloria
So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
It's a miracle!
A Christmas miracle.
Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
That's a life lesson, Jake.
How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?
This isn't a Christmas party.
Well, what do you call it?
The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "He then turned the gun on himself".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.