Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Berta

Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

Charlie

I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Berta

Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan

Hey, Berta? You're a woman.

Berta

Where are we going with this, Zippy?

Alan

I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?

Berta

Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Berta

Where are you going?

Charlie

I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.

Berta

One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--

Alan

His middle name isn't Roscoe--

Berta

Who's telling the story?!

Alan

Continue.

Berta

Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]

Alan

His middle name is Francis.

Berta

Who's he [Alan] listening to?

Jake

Bucket of Hate.

Berta

They're good. Reminds me of early Who.

Jake

Who?

Berta

Yeah.

Jake

What?

Berta

Band called "Who".

Jake

Bucket of Hate.

Alan

What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?

Berta

You're just making it hotter for him.

Rose

The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...

Alan

You're changing him?

Berta

You're cleaning him?

Jake

You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.

Rose

I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.

Jake

Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.

Rose

Potato, pot-ah-to.

Alan

What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?

Berta

Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Alan

Have you been listening this whole time?

Berta

Wouldn't you?

Alan

You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?

Charlie

Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

Alan

You're not helping.

Charlie

I rarely do.

Alan

Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?

Berta

Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Charlie

We've got a real problem here.

Berta

What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

Berta

So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Courtney

Berta, that is my father in there!

Berta

OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

Charlie

Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.

Berta

He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie

Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?

Jake

In an Easter basket.

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Berta

Morning.

Charlie

Morning.

Berta

What'cha doing?

Charlie

Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?

Berta

Sunny side up.

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Charlie

Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Charlie

Why do you keep staring at me?

Berta

I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.

Charlie

Why are you looking at me like that?

Berta

I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.