You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!
Excuse me?
He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
For shizzle, my dizzle
Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
What is it?
It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
You said it Poop Dog.
SCStore clerk
Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?
Uh, actually, I don't.
I do.
You do?
Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?
CChangpu
I have a cello.
What do you play on that?
CChangpu
Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
So... no Grand Theft Auto?
No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".
CChangpu
My apologies.
I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.
Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Yo man! This bling is off the hook!
Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!
RRoger
Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.
What the heck?
Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.