Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Jake

Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?

Alan

Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.

Jake

Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, watch your mouth!

Charlie

Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Charlie

Who loves kids?

Charlie Waffles!

Charlie

Right!

Charlie

That's it, what do you think?

Jake

You couldn't have TiVo'd this?

Charlie

Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!

Alan

So, uh, how was school this week?

Jake

OK.

Alan

Anything noteworthy happen?

Jake

No.

Charlie

I thought you said he got dumped!

Alan

I was easing into it.

Charlie

Oh, good idea. Go ahead.

Alan

Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.

Charlie

Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Judith

Hey, honey, how's it going?

Jake

Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!

Judith

Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.

Alan

I did.

Judith

Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?

Alan

'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]

Why are you sorry?

Alan

I just find it's easier that way.

Jake

Boxing sucks.

Charlie

As always, you're entitledto your stupid opinion.

Jake

Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie

OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake

Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie

Oh, does that hurt?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Good.

Charlie

How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?

Jake

She is kind of cute.

Charlie

Why don't you go talk to her?

Jake

I don't know what to say.

Charlie

That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!

Jake

Boxing sucks.

Charlie

As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Jake

Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie

OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake

Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other, it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie

Oh, does that hurt?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Good. (Alan appears)

Alan

Hey, what are you doing?

Jake

Uncle Charlie hit me.

Alan

Good.

Charlie

Where have you been?

Alan

I'll... I'll tell you later.

Jake

Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)

Charlie

You promised he'd grow on me.

Alan

I lied.

Charlie

So, how was you and Donna?

Alan

It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.

Charlie

Jungle humping?

Alan

Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.

Charlie

You poor bastard.

Alan

Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.

Charlie

You poor, poor bastard.

Alan

This conversation is over. (storms off)

Charlie

If only.

Alan

(reappears) OKAY, IT'S BORING! IT'S SUFFOCATING! IT'S A DEATHWATCH! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you. I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Charlie

Oh, that's a load of crap. You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.

Alan

DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?!

Jake

You really want to do something with me?

Alan

Yes!

Jake

How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?

Alan

And... what am I supposed to do all that time?

Jake

Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.

Charlie

Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?

Alan

Nobody.

Charlie

Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

Rose

The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...

Alan

You're changing him?

Berta

You're cleaning him?

Jake

You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.

Rose

I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.

Jake

Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.

Rose

Potato, pot-ah-to.

Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!

Jake

It's called "puberty".

Charlie

It's called "doughnuts".

Jake

Doughnuts don't make hair.

Jake

You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.

Charlie

You and me.

Jake

Just don't clock block me, OK?

Charlie

"Clock block" you?

Jake

That's not it?

Charlie

No, that's not it.

Jake

So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?

No.

Jake

I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.

Charlie

Ix-nay on the alls-bay.

Jake

What?

Charlie

Just don't say "balls".

Jake

When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?

Teddy

Nothing.

Evelyn

We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.

Jake

But I'm still hungry.

Evelyn

Have some cheese!

Jake

Have we cut the cheese?

Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?

Jake

No, I never go to my uncle's room.

Why not?

Jake

'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.