[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]
We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
But I'm still hungry.
Have some cheese!
Have we cut the cheese?
We've got a real problem here.
What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
You son of a bitch.
So you weren't the one who was...
Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Berta, that is my father in there!
OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
SSloane
My God!
WWes
It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
SSloane
Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
No, I never go to my uncle's room.
SSloane
Why not?
'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]
CHCharlie Harper
That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.