Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

What are you talking about?

Jake

It's in some sort of foreign language.

Alan

It's Elizabethan.

Jake

Well, can we get one in English?

Alan

Walk.

Alan

You're supposed to be finishing your report.

Jake

I know, but I can't find the book.

Alan

You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.

Jake

What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.

Alan

Find... the book.

Jake

I'm really tired.

Alan

Find... the book!

Jake

Just saying it won't make it happen.

Alan

FIND... THE... BOOK!

Alan

I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Alan

You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake

Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan

OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!

Jake

I have my doubts, Dad.

Alan

Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?

Jake

'Cause I don't have to.

Alan

You don't have to study algebra.

Jake

Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.

Alan

OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Charlie

What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"

Jake

Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Charlie

You think so?

Jake

Yeah, they should put your face on money.

Charlie

What are you doing?

Jake

Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

Charlie

Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?

Jake

In an Easter basket.

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Berta

Morning.

Charlie

Morning.

Berta

What'cha doing?

Charlie

Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?

Berta

Sunny side up.

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Charlie

Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?

Charlie

Scrambled it is.

Charlie

So where's your friend?

Jake

Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.

Charlie

You know, your body's sending you a message.

Jake

Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.

Charlie

Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.

Jake

If it's poison, why do you drink it?

Charlie

Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.

Jake

You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie

Right.

Jake

And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie

I'm sure you have.

Alan

I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.

Jake

I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.

Alan

Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.

Charlie

Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Jake

Oh, now I want one.

Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake

I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan

Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan

Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan

I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake

You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie

Yes, but not your own.

Alan

A little religion isn't gonna kill you.

Jake

Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!

Charlie

Yeah, my bad. So what's new?

Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.

Charlie

Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.

And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Charlie

Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.

Jake

Have you considered an athletic supporter?

Charlie

Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.

You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!

Charlie

Righto, bye.

Jake

We didn't pay for the jockstrap.

Alan

Just keep walking.

[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

Jake

He drinks.

Jake

Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.

Alan

They're fighting?

Jake

Yep. Thirty-one.

Charlie

Thirty-one?

Jake

It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?

Charlie

I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

Charlie

Wait in the car.

Jake

Give me the keys.

Charlie

No!

Jake

Then how will I wait in the car?

Charlie

Wait by the car.

Jake

I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair skinned.

Charlie

Then wait under the car.