Two and a Half Men · Season 5, Episode 10
So, you are a "seek-list"?
A what?
A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Ah. [giggles]
I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
Nice, huh?
Nice? She's magnificent!
You should see her naked.
Can I?
Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
You really wanna know?
Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
[moment of silence] That's not a secret.
I didn't think so, but you asked.
So that's it, you got a knack?
Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
So, uh, how was school this week?
OK.
Anything noteworthy happen?
No.
I thought you said he got dumped!
I was easing into it.
Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
Hey, honey, how's it going?
Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
I did.
Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Why are you sorry?
I just find it's easier that way.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd it go with Gabrielle?
I think you know how it went.
Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?
I didn't go through with it.
Really?
Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?
Nope.
You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?
Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.
Well, at least now we're even, right?
Not quite.
What do you mean?
(appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?
Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?
Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.
Yeah. 20 years.
She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.
But, but, but...
Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)
[yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!
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