Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?

Alan

It's dark out.

Jake

Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.

Jake

I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.

Alan

Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Alan

OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.

Jake

What what means?

Alan

All the big changes that are happening.

Jake

It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

Berta

What's going on?

Jake

I had to sleep in Dad's room last night, 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out--

Berta

Got it.

Alan

Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!

Jake

I'm ready.

Alan

Did you do your homework?

Jake

No.

Jake

Well, next time you'll know better!

Jake

How much can I bet?

Charlie

How much did you bring?

Jake

I have to use my own money?

Charlie

Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Jake

OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.

Charlie

That's not gonna get you very far.

Jake

Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?

Charlie

Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.

Jake

But it's worth fifty.

Charlie

To who?

Jake

To Pizza Hut.

Charlie

Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

Jake

She [Chloe] brought soup.

Charlie

Why would she bring soup?

Alan

You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie

I'm not jealous!

Alan

Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.

Jake

And he can sing.

Charlie

This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!

Jake

Yeah, but you stink.

Evelyn

Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake

What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Mom!

Evelyn

Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan

Yeah, but what about us?

Alan

How do they feel?

Jake

OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.

Alan

They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.

Charlie

Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Jake

Hot girl at twelve o'clock.

Charlie

Where?

Jake

Over there.

Alan

That would be nine o'clock.

Jake

No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.

Charlie

You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Alan

Go ahead, take a swing.

Charlie

OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

Jake

What if you have a digital watch?

Charlie

First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake

Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?

Alan

No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Jake

Good one.

Alan

You understood that?

Jake

Not really. That's how I knew it was good.

Jake

Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?

Jake

Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Alan

Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Jake

So you were too cheap to get her earrings.

Alan

She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Berta

Who's he [Alan] listening to?

Jake

Bucket of Hate.

Berta

They're good. Reminds me of early Who.

Jake

Who?

Berta

Yeah.

Jake

What?

Berta

Band called "Who".

Jake

Bucket of Hate.

Jake

Where are we going?

Alan

You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.