How much you looking to spend?
Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Did you make the call?
Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
You and me.
Just don't clock block me, OK?
"Clock block" you?
That's not it?
No, that's not it.
You're waiting for a prostitute?
No.
Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
MMilly
No.
I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
What?
Just don't say "balls".
I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.
WWaiter
Can I bring you anything else?
Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
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