Knock 'em dead at the audition.
Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Now you know why Alan wears it.
Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!
Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.
My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?
[About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?
Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
No, I thought we would learn together.
Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?
It's dark out.
Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.
Jake has put pin-up girls all over his room, then puts on a pair of Harry Potter glasses.
(Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.