[in line at the movie theater]
So, what do you want?
Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
What are you doing, building an ass bomb?
NNina
This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
NNina
Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
VVicki
Nina, they're just regular people.
And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.
[in the men's room]
No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.
I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
You don't understand. The money isn't for me.
Really? Who's it for?
Old Alan.
Old Alan?
Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.
[To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.