Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

Jake

I don't hate you.

Charlie

Good.

Jake

I'm just very disappointed in you.

Charlie

Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Alan

Where's my mother?

Jake

She left.

Alan

Why?

Jake

I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Jake

I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?

Alan

Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.

Jake

Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie

Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.

Alan

I don't need to land anyone in any game.

Charlie

Fine, I'm here if you need me.

Alan

I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?

Jake

My soccer coach sings a lot now.

Alan

Why?

Jake

No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.

Alan

Oh, all right.

Jake

I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?

Alan

Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Alan

[getting ready to leave] Get your jacket, it's time to go.

Jake

[reluctantly] I don't wanna go, I hate clothes shopping!

Alan

Well, you can't stay here alone.

Jake

Why not??

Alan

You know why not.

Jake

But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore!

Alan

[firmly] Get your jacket.

Jake

[annoyed] Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go stupid clothes shopping!

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Jake

Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Berta

Oh, honey, don't get me started.

Jake

What does that mean?

Berta

It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.

Alan

Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake

Did I do something wrong?

Charlie

No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake

[sits down] OK.

Alan

Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake

Yeah.

Alan

Well you...

Charlie

You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake

Why?

Alan

Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake

Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie

That too.

Jake

OK.

Judith

[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake

Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith

So how was your weekend?

Jake

Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Jake

Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan

Sure, why not.

Jake

OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.

Charlie

That's a "rabbi", Jake.

Jake

Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Charlie

Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Hi I'm Joni!

Jake

Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.

Can I come?

Jake

Whatever. [The two of them go off]

Charlie

If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.

Charlie

[Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Jacob. Middle name...

Jake

Don't you know?

Charlie

Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.

Jake

David.

Charlie

I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?

Jake

What? I dunno.

Charlie

Do you eat something that makes you sick?

Jake

I ate a worm once.

Charlie

No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Mumps?

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Chicken pox?

Jake

Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie

Yeah.

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Jake

Were you talking to Mom?

Alan

Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Jake

Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan

Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.

Charlie

Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.

Alan

I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

Charlie

Man, you are so whipped!

Alan

I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Charlie

Meow-fitchoo!

Alan

I am not "meow-fitchooed".

Charlie

You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".

Jake

Are we getting a cat?

Jake

My doctor has a cow puppet.

Evelyn

Oh MD or Ph D.?

Jake

C-O-W.

You have a girlfriend yet?

Jake

No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

So you're never gonna get married?

Jake

No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.

Excuse me?

Jake

I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.

Jake

Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.