All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Why not?
Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!
Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Sure, why not.
OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.
[Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.
I don't care what her name is!
What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.