Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!
PAPaul Anka
[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.
PAPaul Anka and Lisa
[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]
It worked! They're all dead.
Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
[everyone turns and gasps and Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut]
Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]
[Lard Lad collapses, he falls, his donut rolls away. Kodos and Kang, meanwhile, are trying to hitch a ride in the middle of the desert with a sign saying "Earth Capital"]
Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.
Kent BrockmanEven as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Kent
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.
Kent
Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.
[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.
[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?
[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]
Kent Brockman
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?
Who would do such a thing?
Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Kent Brockman
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
Kent
Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.
Kent
So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap."
RReynolds
I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's... garbage.
Kent Brockman
Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
I don't like the sound of that "class 3".
Kent Brockman
And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. [At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net]
[laughs] Perfect form sir.
Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
Kent Brockman
That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
Kent Brockman
[nervous laughing] Well... [Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard]
[Shows a car outside where two writers are typing]
W1Writer 1
Come on hurry up. [Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note] I guess you could say it's my racket.
Kent Brockman
I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
[gasps] [threatening tone] Get off my property.
APArnie Pie
[describing Homer's actions] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Kent Brockman
Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
APArnie Pie
I can't see through metal, Kent!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
