Kent Brockman quotes from The Simpsons

Kent Brockman

So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer

It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge

HOMER!

Homer

Sorry. Uh...could you edit that last part out?

Brockman

Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer

D'oh!

Kent Brockman

Scott, everyone is here from the Mayor's illegitimate son to our own [camera focuses up] Duff blimp.

Barney

[aboard the Duff blimp] Hi. Can I drive?

Well, I can't see the harm.

Kent Brockman

[looks away] Oh, the humanity! Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.

Kent Brockman

But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."

Homer

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

Lisa

Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer

I dunno. Was I drunk?

Lisa

Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

Homer

Really?

Lisa

Uh-huh.

Homer

Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Lisa

It's a deal.

Kent Brockman

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.

[live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!

Kent Brockman

[impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.

[now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]

Brockman

[chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Kent Brockman

And here's country singing sensation, Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford clinic! What ya been up to Lurleen?

Lurleen

[hoarse voice] I spent last night in a ditch.

Kent Brockman

[nervous laugh] How about it, folks?

Mayor Quimby

Now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.

Leonard Nimoy

[chuckling] I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.

Mayor Quimby

And let me say, "May the force be with you."

Leonard Nimoy

Do you even know who I am?

Kent Brockman

A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and freely communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about [beep]ing time! Of course all these good feelings can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it! [squirts whipped cream into his mouth]

Bart

Lis, today I am a God.

Lisa

Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?

Bart

Ewww...

Kent Brockman

Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Bart

I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty

Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

Bart

[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin

No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

Kent Brockman

[Reading news script] 'Tragic news tonight: a tidal wave in Kuala'... 'la'- la.... 'Pur'... 'Lam-pur'... France.

Bart

Yoink!

Kent Brockman

Yoink? [After finding out his Danish is gone] [gasps]

Kent Brockman

[Shuffling his papers] Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.

[Pushing Kent off the chair and sitting on it] [clearing throat] 'A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.' Ay Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loses balance and falls over]

Kent Brockman

Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."

Homer

[couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?

Kent

We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.

[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.

Huh?

Homer

Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.

Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.

Homer

Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]

Kent

Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.

Kent

We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with "average-naut" Homer Simpson, and we'd like to...

Kent

Ahhhh!

AHHHHHHHH!

Kent

Folks, we just lost the picture, but...what we've seen...speaks for itself. The spacecraft has apparently been taken over – "conquered" if you will – by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.

Kent Brockman

—ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter". [pfft] This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, [whispers] so we'll have to be quiet. [courtroom doors close in his face] Dooh—!

Kent Brockman

With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.

Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of—

Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill—$30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-prevert(sic) bill? [entire Congress boos] Bill defeated. [gavel]

Kent Brockman

I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.