Kent Brockman quotes from The Simpsons

Kent

This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.

Lisa

I'm Annie Oakley.

I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.

I'm a gulch.

Kent

So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.

Kent Brockman

Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the Sky!

You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!

Kent Brockman

Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!

And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!!!

Kent Brockman

That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor - not with a gun, but with a camera!

That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding...

Cletus

They destroyed my home, and the equity I built up there in.

Kent

Asked if he intends to take legal action the farmer replied "I ain't fungdified hi-de-hoo about no legrification, no ways." Then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.

Kent

In tonight's face-off, I'll be debating Channel Six movie ghoulie Boobarella on the subject of our new boss C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.

He's got a heart as big as my boobs!

Kent

I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.

Booobs!

Kent Brockman

While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department -- which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?

Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.

Kent Brockman

So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?

Chief Wiggum

Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.

Lou

Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?

Chief Wiggum

What do you think I'm doing right now? [Smiles at the camera.]

Kent Brockman

I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?

Krusty

I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!

Homer

The math checks out!

Lisa

Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!

Marge

Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.

Kent Brockman

And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]

Krusty

Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]

Kent Brockman

Taking pity on the boy, the operators of Springfield Stadium open the stadium's retractable roof, in an attempt to dry his pants. Unfortunately, the stain was picked up by Russian spy satellites and President Dmitry Medvedev has taken the pants wetting as a sign of American weakness. A Russian flotilla has just entered New York Harb--

Homer

[after TV turns off] Oh. Bart's never gonna forgive me for humiliating him.

Kent Brockman

In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue."

Homer

Ooh, rebranding!

Lisa

That just means admitting failure, Dad.

Homer

Ooh, admitting failure!

Kent Brockman

Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose?

Professor Frink

Uh... Well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.

Kent Brockman

Indeed. And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.

Are you wearing makeup?

Kent Brockman

Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only point 1% of youth football players make it to the pros?

You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh! Boy, show him your moves! Juke it, juke it!

Kent Brockman

This is Kent Brockman. I'm here with three local blue-collar men who voted for Trump. How do you feel now?

Please stop interviewing us.

Kent Brockman

Never!

Kent Brockman

Breaking news. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. A ship carrying America's entire supply of cigarettes has become lodged in the Panama Canal.

Sea Captain

R, D, R, D, R, D. [After the ship was turn left, but he couldn’t do that, Horn blading in the ship, crowd laughing] Do you think the honking is helping? ‘Cause I don't!

Kent Brockman

Experts say the cigarette shortage could mean months before shelves are restocked and lungs re-blackened.