Mr. Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this stock market crash?

Well, it was 25 years before I was born.

Mr. Burns

Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.

Mr. Burns

Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!

Chief Wiggum

Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!

Martin

Behold! The power plant of the future...today!

Mr. Burns

Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Martin

But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!

Mr. Burns

You lose, get off my property!

Grimes

Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

Hey, shush!

Carl

You're making us miss the contest.

Mr. Burns

Could you explain your model, young man?

Grimes

What's to explain? He's an idiot!

Pipe down!

Homer

Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.

Mr. Burns

Hmm.

Homer

Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Mr. Burns

Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]

Grimes

WHAT?!

Carl

Way to go, Homer!

You're number one, Homer!

Grimes

But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!

Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!

Flanders

Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?

Lisa

It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.

Mr. Burns

Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.

You mean the revolver, sir?

Mr. Burns

Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Mr. Burns

Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!

Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.

Mr. Burns

[Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]

Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.

Mr. Burns

Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?

Absolutely, sir!

Mr. Burns

You'd kneel before me?

Boy, would I!

Mr. Burns

Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]

I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.

Mr. Burns

Do people worship it?

In a way...

Mr. Burns

Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]

Ah, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

Mr. Burns

Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket.

[suggestively] You don't have to tell me, sir.

Mr. Burns

See with your eyes, not with your hands!

Please! We are all amigos here!

Homer

Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!

Mr. Burns

Now give it back.

Give what back?

Mr. Burns

If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.

Homer

God bless America!

Mr. Burns

[sniffling] Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns

[sniffling] Excellent.

Look guys, I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.

Oh, here we go...

How many spoons have you got now, Adam?

Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.

Can I see it? [... tossed it behind]

My spoon! [the spoon lands on Mr. Burns' head]

Mr. Burns

Ow! [mutters behind Bono and The Edge] Wankers.

Homer

Max Power

Mr. Burns

Ah, Max Power! How's every little thing?

Homer

You remembered my name!

Mr. Burns

Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max!

Homer

Mr. Power.

Mr. Burns

Yes, Mr. Power.

Mr. Burns

Simpson! I want to be loved.

Homer

Well, I'll need some beer.

Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns

You mean I have pneumonia?

Yes.

Mr. Burns

Juvenile diabetes?

Yes.

Mr. Burns

Hysterical pregnancy?!

Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns

You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

Mr. Burns

I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.

Kent Brockman

Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".

Mr. Burns

14 dollars and 10,11,12 cents. There you go.

You know, sir, tipping is customary.

Mr. Burns

Oh, sorry, me no speaky Chinee!