Mr. Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

What are you doing in my corpse hatch?

Mr. Burns, you're under arrest!

Mr. Burns

Did I say "corpse hatch"? Uh... I meant "innocence tube"!

Krusty

Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?

Mr. Burns

Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?

Krusty

Russian hooker, you tell me.

Mr. Burns

Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission!

Krusty

I did find out one fact; she was a guy!

Mr. Burns

This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?

Well your goons did run her off the road sir.

Mr. Burns

I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.

Homer

Captain!

Lisa

Science officer!

Bart

Security!

Marge

Marge!

Mr. Burns

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Bart

So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?

I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.

Mr. Burns

You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

Homer

Five dollars!

Mr. Burns

Five hundred.

Homer

Five dollars, cash.

Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--

Bart

Dad!

Homer

Five hundred-one!

Mr. Burns

Ten million.

Homer

Objection, Your Honor!

Bart

Why won't you come down?

Mr. Burns

I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

Mr. Burns

Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?

That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.

[Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker.] [enthusiastically] I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

Mr. Burns

We have to cut costs.

But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.

Carl

Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.

And all the joke ID badges we ordered.

Mr. Burns

No doughnuts!

No!

Homer

D'oh!

Carl

Nuts!

Mr. Burns

Exactly!

Homer

Uh-oh, usually when it gets this quiet, Mr. Burns is standing behind me.

Mr. Burns

Actually, I'm standing in front of you.

Reverend Lovejoy

So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?

Agnes

I have no regrets.

Seymour

Really, Mother?

Agnes

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Mr. Burns

Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.

Homer

Aw, you misheard that on purpose!

Mr. Burns

[steps on Smithers' head] I did it! All by myself! [looks at Waylon] Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?

Sorry, sir. If there was a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.

Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...

Mr. Burns

The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood, I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? [Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burn's teeth] I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!

Homer

[on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.

Marge

Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.

Homer

Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]

Mr. Burns

Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!

Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.

Mr. Burns

Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!