Mr. BurnsYou should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
Mr. Burns
No, don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. [motions to an actual mace]
Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you, and I'll never forgive myself! [Begins smashing his head against the steering wheel of the limo] Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!
[Annoyed, Burns raises the shield between him and Smithers. His car phone rings, and he answers it.]
[through the phone] Never! Never! Never!
[montage of Mr. Burns abusing and berating Homer, who has replaced Smithers as his assistant]:
Mr. Burns
[yelps as he turns on the lamp] 60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?! [cut to Mr. Burns in bed, his nightcap is stiff and pointy] I asked for light starch on my nightcap! [Homer yelps as Mr. Burns pokes him with the nightcap] [cut to Mr. Burns at dinner, soaking Homer with his drink] You call this postum?! [cut to Mr. Burns in his office as he knocks over Homer's stack of paper] You call this a tax return?! [cut to Mr. Burns hitting a generator with a cane, causing it to spew out smoke and sparks of electricity] You call this a super computer?! [cut to Mr. Burns throwing sheets of paper, pencils, and a book at Homer] You're a travesty of a joke of an assistant!
[Homer tries to contain his rage, but eventually snaps and screams before punching Mr. Burns in the face. An eerie silence falls over the room as Mr. Burns falls to the floor, unconscious. We hear the ticking of a clock and tense violin music as Homer starts whimpering in panic, realizing what he just did, before running out of the room. Cut to Homer arriving at home, slamming the door behind him]
Is there something wrong, Homie?
Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.
Mr. Burns
Simpson? Simpson! Did you get that report on the accounting department?
Yes sir I did. [pulls out the report] The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9AM to 5PM. The head of this department is a Mr.Johnston or Johnstone. [Mr.Burns grabs Homer's report, angrily crumples it up, and drops it]
Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
[answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns
Is it about my cube?
Its Mr. Smithers. He's calling for you.
Mr. Burns
Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.
Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns
Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
But I think the dodo went extinct.
Mr. Burns
Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!
[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
[Slide of Dr. Hibbert]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
[Slide of Skinner]
[Slide of Patty]
[Slide of Cletus]
[Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
Hey, come on, you did me twice.
[Slide of Smithers]
Mr. Burns
Smithers?
My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
[Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]
Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.
[A sip is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]
Mr. Burns
We need some excitement around here!
Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
Mr. Burns
No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]
All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]
Hey! That's the fire alarm!
We gotta get out of here!
[They run out of the cafeteria]
Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
[All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]
[Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy.]
MMan
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant, waiting for Burns' victims to evacuate.]
Mr. Burns
Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Mr. Burns
And what's our time so far?
I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Mr. Burns
Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.
[Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]
I think I won, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns
Yes! [Hauntingly] You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.
[Mr. Burns scolds his employees (who finally made an escape, albeit messily) for showing a lack of teamwork. Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, proving his point. The crowd cheers the fight, but Mr. Burns shows disappointment.]
Mr. Burns
What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
Maybe he does, but I don't.
Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!
[Smithers is hiking up the snowy mountain, alone, cursing Mr. Burns]
How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
["boney old behind" echoes through the mountain, Mr. Burns and Homer hear it]
Mr. Burns
Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
BBurns
Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?
Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
Mr. Burns
Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.
He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.
Mr. Burns
Why, you'd have to get up.
[Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand]
Mr. Burns
Sir, I am in your debt.
Use it wisely, my friend.
Mr. Burns
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?
[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Mr. Burns
Are there any real questions?
Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?
Mr. Burns
"Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Mr. Burns
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.
But natural's not the enemy.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
