Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

[as the frog licks his own eyeball] Ow! He took my contact. [the frog licks his own eyeball again] Ow! Now I got two in own eye.

Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.

Huh, I'm in no position to argue.

Read 'em and weep. The novels of Charlotte Brontë.

Carl

I thought we were playing cards.

Eh, how you doing there? Uh, your front door was locked, So, uh, rather than call or knock, I, uh, came down your chimbley there. [coughs]

Marge

Moe Szyslak, you didn't climb down our chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."

[coughing] [clears throat] Midge, it's one minute till Christmas, and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now. All right, here I go. I'm the one that kept Homer from coming home, 'cause, uh, well, I was lonely. [Marge gasps] Yeah, that's right-- me, Mr. Party Pants. So, uh, so don't hold it against Homer, eh?

Princess Kemi

I think he is a sweet, sweet man, but when I kissed him, it was not romantic, more like when Snow White kissed Dopey.

No, no, not this comparison again!

Do you mind riding a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?

Princess Kemi

I don't.

To the scooter store!

Homer

She's gone!

And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

These photos show that 6 years ago Bart and Lisa were fighting like Creationists and Common Sense.

Homer

Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.

Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Carl

Yeah Homer, we'll definitely help you, but you're gonna have to wait.

We just ordered a pie for the bar.

Carl

What did you do that for?!

Barney

Yeah! It took us 45 minutes to choose a topping!

We decided on cheese.

Bart

Hey, Martin.

Martin

Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.

Bart

What the hell are you talking about?

Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?

Martin

[whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!

Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?

Bart

I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]

Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]

Marge

Yay!

The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders, you know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown!

That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.

Ugh! Boston fans. In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.

Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule-breaking cranberry squeezers!

We don't cheat! We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square!

You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings! [they start kissing their hands]

Homer

You're the one who's jealous. I only wish I could be as jealous as you!

Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store. I hate this town!

Jay

So don't I. Frigging doorknobs [they laugh]

Automatic! [they kiss their hands again]

Homer

I'm looking for a godfather for my little angel.

Aw, what a cutie. Let me give her a sip of beer.

Homer

Okay, you're out.

If I'm out, Carl's out.

Carl

I decide who tells me what to do. Moe?

You're out, Carl.

Carl

No, no, it can't be true!

Homer

It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.

Carl

So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?

Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.

Carl

What trauma?

Homer

Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.

Carl

Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? [Steven appears]. Nice to meet you, Steven.

Aw crap, here we go again.

From up here the wads look like ants.

Hey, you wanna drop pickled eggs on 'em?

Sure! [Moe hands Nelson a jar of pickled eggs to drop on people]

Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 'cause I buy up all the booze that the employees drown in.

Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes.

Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. And when its back is turned, you can steal anything you want from it. [Looks down as Nelson continues to drop the eggs] Ooh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it!

Lisa

Have you seen our dad?

No, just these hundreds of silly versions of him, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I mean I'm printing money over here.

Exact change? Huh. That's it?

Homer

Oh, I really want to tip you, Moe, but I promised my wife I'd quit.

Here's a thought, Homer. Uh, what if you took the moolah out of your pocket, but you just stop before anything happened. You know, uh, everything but the tip.

Homer

That doesn't seem like it could lead to anything.

Sure it couldn't.

Homer

[takes his wallet out of his pocket, giving Moe a $10] We shouldn't have done that.

Does that mean that you want to stop?

Homer

[giving Moe a another $10, moans] No. It feels so good. [giving Moe a another $10]

Don't stop, you generous man. Oh, yeah, give it to me, big boy.

Homer

You like that?

Oh, that's the spot.

Homer

I can do this all night.

Right there.

Homer

Tell me you want it.

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes! [cash flies into a Moe in his face]

Oh, God!

Carl

I need a new bar.